Pam Ann Returns: air hostess, nanny and big ginger dick fan

Photos by Marco Ovando

22 Aug 2019

"In a place we hold dear, where wonder once lived . . . but soon from above, a new story begins," when Pam Ann Returns.  

Whenever Pam Ann takes time out from her air hostess duties to grace a stage, laughter is guaranteed. And since she was "officially named nanny to Megs and Harry’s bundle of joy, I hate kids but this little bugger is a first-class royal so for him, I will make an exception,” she is going to be even busier. Which makes Pam Ann Returns a possibly rare opportunity to experience the outrageous flight attendant/nanny in full flight.

I was lucky enough to see Pam Ann in her first Toronto appearance where she reduced the entire audience to puddles of ugly laugh tears and vulgar longing. Before a return visit in May of 2012, I had the delightful and harrowing experience of interviewing Pam Ann, so I jumped at the chance to do so again - if only to try to understand just wtf she is doing as a nanny and what Pam Ann Returns will consist of. Her publicist said she was in Greece so could only talk by email, so naturally, being a jetsetter and a mile-higher, she answered my questions from London.

Drew Rowsome: Why are you so popular with the gays?

Pam Ann: I’m fluent in homosexualeze.

And, possibly related, why are so many male flight attendants gay?

Pam Ann: Who knows? Why question it? Just be grateful that flying is the Grindr of the skies.

Also possibly related, what was it like to tour with Cher?

Pam Ann: Now we’re talking, darling. Touring with Cher was insanely amazing, petrifying and one of the best experiences of my life.

How would you compare your relationship with Garo Sparo to Bob Mackie and Cher's relationship?

Pam Ann: Garo Sparo is my Bob Mackie. He is wonderful and always makes me look supercalifragilistfantastic

Will Sparo get a Tony before you do?

Pam Ann: Hell yea. I won’t get one unless they start giving awards for filthiest mouth.

The show is called Pam Ann Returns, but you've never really been away. Toronto just saw you at Pride, but you deserve to be your own event so we're grateful. Is this getting a head start on a comeback if you ever need one? What new material are you bringing or is it a greatest hits recycling?

Pam Ann: I feel like my shows are all different. My comedy is very observational and I work on the fly (pun intended) so basically I don’t even know what I’m going to say the minute before I say it! Pam Ann "Returns" is really just a play on the Mary Poppins movie. I am currently in London filming brand new Mary Poppins movie spoofs for it. Trust me, this shit's going to be hysterical.

Mary Poppins is an interesting touchstone but then she flies a lot as well. How are you and the magical nanny connected?

Pam Ann: Hmmm . . . I can’t think of many similarities we share. Mary Poppins looks after kids. Pam Ann makes them disappear. Pam Ann doesn’t need an umbrella to fly . . .

Julie Andrews or Emily Blunt? Dick Van Dyke or Lin-Manuel Miranda?

Pam Ann: Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke, of course. You can never beat the original, darling.

Pam Ann already upstaged Julie Andrews, and the state of nannydom, with "High on a Hill" which can be found on YouTube and is viciously funny. The Camelot and Victor/Victoria jokes practically write themselves, but will Pam Ann be voicing a fairy tale character for Shrek 15 or 16 or whatever they are up to now?

Pam Ann: It would be a dream to voice an animated donkey or a stupid fish!

If you are going to be the official nanny for Archie, there is one thing that we, and Meghan, need to know: are gingers sexy or not?

Pam Ann: Speaking from experience, gingers have big dicks so if you’re a size queen like me then yes, they are very sexy.

Meghan, an honorary Canadian, has been disruptive in terms of royal protocol and tradition. How much of a risk is the royal family taking by adding Pam Ann to the mix?

Pam Ann: Pam Ann only wants to fly private and hang out in Nice with Elton and David so I guess that’s a lot of risk.

Archie will be very lucky to have Pam Ann to sing him lullabies. What will you sing?

Pam Ann: He loves "Am I Evil" by Metallica

What will you choose as a bedtime story?

Pam Ann: He can’t get enough of So You’ve Got a Fat Pussy.

With your Australian roots, do you feel any affection for the royal family? Why Archie instead of Barron? That family is even more in need of your help.

Pam Ann: I think both those kids will be fucked up. Barron more than Archie, certainly. Pam Ann plans to spend more time with Melania.

After touting Virgin Airlines "cocksucking coral lip gloss" in 2012, why did you choose Air Italy for your role as brand ambassador?

Pam Ann: Because the Italians do it better. Air Italy is fabulous, darling. So chic. They are also the most LGBTQ friendly. I mean, they chose me as their ambassador, so obviously.

How does Air Canada compare to Air Italy?

Pam Ann: They are both wonderful. Seriously, they make other airlines look like cunts. Passengers are their priority, which, of course, is my priority too. I could never choose between the two, although, I must say Air Canada once fingered me from Newark to Vancouver. Now that was some good night service.

Which airline has the sexiest crews (as opposed to sexiest brand ambassador which Air Italy has sewn up for the foreseeable future)?

Pam Ann: That’s an easy one. Nothing is sexier than a well dressed Italian. The Air Italy crews are very sexy, and so well dressed. They are based in Milan, the fashion capital of the world, so there’s that.

The most promiscuous?

Pam Ann: Most promiscuous I’d have to say the mixed fleet at BA because they’ve all come from easyJet and Ryanair and can't believe they get to stay over in hotels, so they make the most of it. They are the new sluts of the sky in 2019.

Is there anything that Pam Ann virgins should know before boarding Pam Ann Returns?

Pam Ann: The doors will be armed and locked. Prepare to be hijacked and enjoy the fucking ride.

First class seating for Pam Ann Returns includes a meet and greet with Pam Ann. How familiar do you allow your adoring fans to get?

Pam Ann: They can finger my asshole. I’ll be wearing no knickers. I don’t know why Taylor Swift got her knickers all in a twist! I’m with the group #whynotme

Hopefully your publicist will be supplying some glamorous photos but if you'd like to give him directions as to which ones are the most fabulous, please do. And we'll keep searching 4chan in hopes of a shot that is compromising enough to scandalize even Pam Ann. What is the biggest scandal that Pam Ann will admit to?

Pam Ann: Pam Ann had a lesbian affair with all four of the Spice girls back in the '90s and yes, Ginger’s dick was biggest.