They is
30 Jun 2019.

What if I suddenly declared that the term ‘bear’ is offensive? What if we put it on the same shit list with ‘midget?' It all seems rather arbitrary. Recently, I was at a dinner party when one of the guests decried the name of Crystal Waters’ '90s hit "Gypsy Woman." “They are called the Roma,” he said. So does that mean we can’t listen to this song anymore? How would this person cope with the titles of Richard Pryor’s Grammy Award-winning comedy albums of the '70s? (Google it, dear reader.)

Pride is a time when all this irritating stuff comes up. For instance, the Pride Guide dedicated a page to Stonewall, but the only people depicted in all the photographs are Sylvia Rivera and Marsha P. Johnson. Then there’s that abysmal new version of Tales of the City, now guided by a lesbian show runner who thinks a scowling 32 year old Ellen Paige can convincingly play a 20 year old. In the fourth episode there is an incendiary scene, in which a group of older gay men have a big dinner party. One guy brings his 28-year-old boyfriend to the dinner. When someone uses the word "tranny," the 28-year-old pipes up that the word is offensive, blah blah blah, and the atmosphere turns vile. Then an older character played by a stupendous Steven Spinella takes a big breath and delivers a thunderous speech about how his generation of gay men was cheated by AIDS, haunted by death and bashings and discrimination and potential jail time, and how would he, a 28-year-old with all the privilege bestowed upon him by the previous generation who fought for the rights he currently enjoys, know anything about it? And if they want to use an old-fashioned term of endearment in a light-hearted and non-perjorative way, even though it is currently on some shit list, then they should not be taken to task by some twatty kid. The 28 year old storms out, but unfortunately he is given the last word when he describes those older gay men as "toxic." Fuck you, kid.

Which brings us to pronouns, words that shouldn’t matter much, but really do. Recently, Howard Stern, of all people, hit upon an interesting solution. As co-host Robin Quivers struggled with a story about a friend who insists on plural pronouns, the conversation descended into the how can we use plural pronouns to describe an individual?” Not only is it grammatically incorrect, it’s a bit absurd. Whenever I hear people use ‘they’, I assume it is to refer to a crowd conversation. But then Stern said something that hit me like a slap. “They is …,” he replied. And it occurred to me that yes, plural pronouns used with singular verbs actually makes the most sense. They is trans. Not they are. They is. So the next time you’re with some woke youngster who berates you for your word usage, turn the tables around and correct their usage of plural verbs. 

And for those of you who consider ‘bear’ an offensive term, lighten up.