The 519 knows how to zoom
02 Nov 2020.

I just watched the Church Wellesley BIA Halloween On…Line show. Why the ellipses were necessary I will never know. What I do know is that if I was playing a drinking game, and I had to take a shot of vodka every time someone on screen told me to wear a mask, I would be dead drunk by now.

Whenever I leave my apartment I am bombarded by signs telling me to wear a mask. They are posted on every storefront, on the TTC, and on billboards. And when I stay in and watch TV, the messaging is equally relentless. Wal-Mart and McDonald’s want you to know that they wipe down all the surfaces in their stores with anti-viral sanitizer!!!  Oh, thank God, it took a pandemic to make me realize just how much corporations really care. Yes, you can actually call for a ‘check-in’ right now so that your bank will ask, “How are you?” I mean, fuck off, already.

I get it - I should wear a mask. But does everyone else have to say it constantly as well? The drag artists and business owners who appeared on the Halloween show offered other rather obvious suggestions, like for us to support local businesses, or to practice social distancing, or to stay safe, or to be nice. Good Lord, does anyone have anything original to say anymore? Covid-19 hasn’t just claimed thousands of lives. It’s also turned us into a society of boring parrots. 

As far as online entertainment goes, the brief (39 minute) Halloween show underwhelmed. The previous week, my boyfriend and I watched Salah Bashir’s 65th birthday slash fundraiser for The 519 (or, as many of the big American names said, “the five one nine”). Salah knows a lot of great entertainers. I was blown away by performances from Patti Lupone, Ben Vereen, and local goddess Lorraine Segato (I could listen to her sing every single day). There were other good performances from Billy Newton-Davis, Alan Cumming, Carole Pope and Louise Pitre among others, and the whole thing ended with amazing footage of the legendary k. d. lang singing at Salah’s wedding reception. It was a great show, 90 minutes of pure entertainment. The only low spot was Elton John’s oversold minute-long appearance, which revealed a bloated senior who lets his husband do all the talking. But why criticize a really classy show? For the entire running time, I was in heaven. The talent was so amazing that even if any of them did say ‘Wear a mask’ I didn’t notice. If you’re going to do a Zoom show, this is how you do it.