How to Bottom Like a Porn Star's second edition will have you kicking up your heels 
09 Nov 2020.

by Drew Rowsome - Images courtesy of publicist

The title of How to Bottom Like a Porn Star is slightly misleading. Within the first few paragraphs, author Michael Alvear explains that porn stars are professionals, and as such they tend to take risks or, like other highly trained or innately skilled athletes or performers, they do things that we as mere mortals should probably not attempt. Alvear is not as obsessed with how things appear or in helping the reader achieve superhuman feats, he just wants to make anal sex between consenting adults as fun, comfortable and pleasurable as possible. And it never hurts to have another skill.

After Alvear discovered that taking one's cues from porn is a dubious undertaking, he decided to research and figure out the ins and outs of effective bottoming. He identifies the three most common barriers to accepting the ecstatic pleasures of penetration: pain and the fear of pain, shit and the fear of not having a clean internal space, and that old myth that being on the bottom is somehow threatening to one's masculinity. In witty, chatty, high gay prose, Alvear explains it all, touring from the sphincter(s) all the way to the psychological confusion in most of our heads.

We learn about the best angles of entry and how our physiological make-up both helps and hinders having large pleasurable objects up our asses. Alvear explains his ":60 Sphincter Release Method" based on the sports technique "Proprioceptive Neuromuscular Facilitation." Now not only professional football players and gymnasts can relax, contract and loosen the muscles required for rectal exertion. This being a self-help book, there are, of course, exercises designed to help facilitate painless anal intrusions. And, despite having a fair amount of pre-pandemic penetration on my resumé, the exercises do achieve remarkable results. It is a clever and useful technique to add to one's repertoire. For a first timer it would be a revelation and I wish I had read this book several decades ago, just before I was deflowered.

How to Bottom Like a Porn Star is peppered with illustrations that show how internal anatomy works and/or gets in the way. And explain why. They are clinical and explicit enough to arouse medfet enthusiasts, but for the layman they are fascinating and provide many "Aha!" moments. A reader will never again be at war with their puborectal sling. And will know exactly where the three most intense points of pleasure are located. Yes, men have three (3!) potential g-spots.

Equally practical is Alvear's explanation of why extreme douching is counter-productive if not dangerous. He prefers to prescribe a change in diet to prevent skidmarks and fecal matter smeared dicks. When I was involved in the fab sex surveys, an overwhelming percentage of the most embarrassing sexual moments involved sexual liaisons that pooped out. Alvear cites a few similar ones, but also describes clearly how to avoid such unfortunate incidents and why they happen. One should only have to shower, do a quick finger swirl, and then be ready to rumble.

With the practicalities taken care of, Alvear tackles the mental barriers to being a blissful bottom. He quotes from Tom Spaneuer's sacred gay text The Man Who Fell in Love with the Moon and doesn't dismiss or condemn many misconceptions that most of us carry with us. Again an illustration comes into play, graphically showing "Why We Love Dick," both from the point of view of bottoms and of tops. The difference and similarities between "When You Want His Dick" and "When His Dick Wants You." The discussions of dominance, submission, control, ownership, body image and always respecting your body's needs and responses is breezy and perhaps less nuanced that it needs to be. However, while it won't erase centuries of internalized homophobia and misogyny, but it will make one rethink any lingering bottoming phobias. 

Now that the reader is ready to lay back and spread 'em with confidence, Alvear writes a very clever and sweetly hot summary. Two of his clients (or acolytes, it isn't really clear), Adam and Steve embark on the next stage of their relationship and use How to Bottom Like a Porn Star as their roadmap to their first fucking. It is a schematic device but as it borders on porn, it is far more effective and readable than a list of points to be remembered for an anal exam. Alvear has a queer benevolence, as he explains: "I'd like you to consider a core philosophy I have about sex: Never try anything once. Try it three times. The first time you'll get it wrong. The second time will be awkward. The third time you'll fully experience it." Don't rush it, get it right. 

How to Bottom Like a Porn Star won't actually teach you how to emulate porn stardom, but it is certainly full of helpful advice and ideas that can be used by both beginners and those of us with belts so notched that our pants will no longer stay up. The semi-misleading title is explained by Alvear's oeuvre which includes How To Top Like A Porn Star, How To Give Head Like A Porn Star, How To Cum Like A Porn Star, How To Get A Sex Drive Like A Porn Star, How To Spice Up Your Sex Life Like A Porn Star and How To Talk Like A Porn Star. I hope they all are as useful and entertaining as the bestselling How to Bottom Like a Porn Star. And now I have to get back to my Kegel exercises that form the appendix.