Special Topics in Being a Human: S Bear Bergman learned the hard way so that we don't have to

30 Nov 2021.

by Drew Rowsome -

Slotting Special Topics in Being Human is difficult if not impossible. It is a wise and non-condescending self-help book, but it is also a coffee table art book, a graphic novel of pleasurable artistry. There are autobiographical threads threaded through the no-nonsense advice, but also an uncompromising universal statement that we are all responsible for our behaviour and for making the world a better place. There is tragedy, mostly rueful, and there is comedy, ranging from ribald to juvenile. The whole project is unabashadly, delightfully queercentric (hence the lenghty subtitle which I will only type out this once: A Queer and Tender Guide to Things I've Leaned the Hard Way About Caring for People, Including Myself) while also making room forand a direct appeal to those who will probably never read Special Topics in Being Human but could certainly benefit from doing so. It is a lot of connected and disconnected and sometimes almost contradictory things, held together by a deep love and trust in the basic experience of being human: a state that is also utterly unslottable but also somewhat divine.

Being a human is often hard. Being a good or humane human even more so. And that's not even counting all the difficulties that other humans inflict when interacting. It can be a lot to handle. S Bear Bergman (Blood, Marriage, Wine and Glitter) wants to help. Bergman has been dispensing specific advice on a vast array of subjects at sbearbergman.com/askingbear but, as entertaining and insightful as those blogs are, Special Topics in Being a Human is not just a collection of the best or the funniest or the most pertinent. This is not a Dear Abby or Ann Landers greatest hits cash grab compilation. Referring to itself as a reference manual, Special Topics in Being a Human is more of a narrative workbook, as Bergman invites us to journey along as he discusses solutions he found to difficult personal and societal interactions. I found "How to Have a Disagreement, or Even an Argument, Without Having a Fight," "How to Keep Firmly and Everlastingly in Mind That Doing Nothing Isn't Neutral" and "How to Be Bad at Things but Do Them Anyway" particularly helpful. "How to Apologize Properly (Not like a Republican Congressman)" and "How to Take a Compliment Sometimes (No One Is Reading Your Diary; We All Struggle With This)" hit a little too close to home. 

Special Topics in Being a Human travels from the generally specific "How to Tell People Things They Probably Won't Be Happy to Hear; at Least at First" to the specifically practical "How to Increase a Sense of Safety for Women and Other People with Marginalized Genders Whom You Encounter in Daily Life." Over that journey Bergman takes the refreshing, and very queer, stance that being unapologetically queer is the norm. As it should be. It's just that within that norm there are still the complications of being human piled on top of the societal problems of being marginalized. It's tricky terrain but Bergman navigates it, for the most part, smoothly. And everyone, of any shape or form, can benefit from "How to Keep Going When You Just Want More Than Anything to Stop, for G-d's Sake." And who could resist the poetic insight of "How to Be Reasonably Graceful When a Relationship Has Ended, Even If You Feel Wretched." Bergman constantly reassures, the most pertinent reminder, which crops up repeatedly, being "Please make sure that includes showing yourself a little kindness. You deserve it."

If this sounds heavy or didactic, it rarely is. Bergman has a secret weapon that is more than a collaborator, illustrator Saul Freedman-Lawson. The drawings and sketches that flow with the words are crucial, adding humour and commentary. Casually populated, as is the world, with people of all genders, colours, and abilities. The intensity of this co-authorship is aptly demonstrated in a classic horror novel trope of a two-thirds of the way through twist that changes and illuminates everything. Delightfully it operates both as a self-help demonstration and a comedy routine personality illumination that reads on two parallel levels that conceptually meld. That is perhaps the greatest joy of Special Topics in Being a Human, it is as fun to read as it is shrewd. And the illustrations have a lot to do with that. When a moment of self-recognition cuts a little too deeply, having a cartoon image to amplify while soothing can be a great help.

In direct contradiction of Bergman's stated fears in "How to Take Criticism (and How to Tell What's Criticism and What's a Pointless Insult," I do have two quibbles that could be either criticism or pointless insults. A significant portion of the advice relies on the assistance of partners, friends, family and community, and implies financial stability and access to free time. While I applaud the assumption that all queers have access to these necessities, I fear that many are still struggling and a chapter on community building, which Bergman has done so effectively for himself, would have been a help. And a simple visual note (filed under the category of "I'm Sure This was Discussed Extensively and It is Now Too Late Anyway"), while the font imitating handwritten printing is charming and cartoonish, the all caps become wearying and occasionally felt like shouting. But those are minor in the overarching assessment. I actually learned, painlessly, from Special Topics in Being a Human, which is remarkable in this year of self-help tomes from John Waters, Alon Ozery and Chuck Palahniuk.

Bergman ranks with all of those great, and incidentally queer, self-help gurus. I am excited to have been introduced to the concept of kyriarchy which is something I felt but did not previously have the word for. I appreciate the concise explanation of why gender pronouns are not such a big deal to use properly. There is a lot of wit and wisdom throughout the pages of Special Topics in Being a Human and as I read, I jotted down 14 specific pages that I found insightful and worth revisiting (maybe this is a reference book after all . . .). But instead of paraphrasing what is already available thanks to Bergman and Freedman-Lawson, I'll just finish with my two favourite quotes: "You'd never speak about a stranger in your situation in harsh, unkind terms, nevermind a friend. So all I'm asking is that you be as kind to yourself as you would be to a stranger on a bus," and "Being uncomfortable with a skill we need to use is likelier to be an indication that we need more practice than it is a harbinger of doom."