The Heterosexuals: "is heterosexuality a choice?" And why would one choose it?
26 Jun 2024 - photos courtesy of Johnnie Walker

Johnnie Walker bounds on stage in a shirt that announces "100% Fruit" and a smile, lots of gleaming teeth, that announces we are about to be entertained. Or else. He dances with comic seduction to Pete Shelley's classic "Homosapien," grounding us firmly in the '80s. He is interrupted by the disembodied voice of disgruntled 'Other Johnnie,' but was about to get down to business in any case. He flatters us by pretending we are not just any audience but rather handpicked because "we have a problem on our hands and I need your help to deal with it." The problem is, of course, heterosexuals. As Johnnie explains, despite rampant cultural appropriation, "the straights are not ok." It is all hilarious religious/right wing-speak queered and stood on its head to reveal its facile flaws,which then takes a brilliant turn. Walker (Igby Beamish, The Heterosexuals, Shove It Down My Throat, The Love Crimes of Frances Lark) pays homage to a gospel tradition also co-opted by Miss Ross. 

He exults that we are in a queer space full of queers. He commands us to turn to the left and gleefully shouts, "That person is queer!" Then our right. "That person is queer!" It is a marvellous celebration of that still necessary relief and ecstasy of being in a specifically defined queer space. Of course the audience was not entirely gay men but, if Walker wants to include allies (and why not?) no-one was going to quibble. He does rail against bridal showers invading gay bars (a practice which should be outlawed) but the theatre is a welcoming space and I suspect Walker's humour, and anger, translated even for the homosexually challenged. And if not, "Fuck them if they can't take a joke." That is another of Walker's very helpful bits of advice: When confronted with a difficult or threatening heterosexual, "Sing Bette Midler at them until they back away in confusion."  It works.

Walker doesn't really stick to his stated agenda, no heterosexuals were harmed during the show I attended, but what follow is classical, and very gay, comic storytelling. Stand-up with a solid if erratic (a very gay structural choice) through line. Walker regales us with memories of growing up gay and closeted in the '80s, showing how a very handsome and talented flaming redhead can still be universal.
There is a wonderful bit about "disgraced '90s creatives" that verges on heartbreaking. He tries to return to the mission but by then we are in his confidence, the palm of his hand, and will go anywhere he wants. With the help of a flannel shirt he morphs into 'Other Johnnie' and role reversal is complete as he is interrogated, "Are you sure it's not just a phase? Have you ever tried just not being straight?" which is hilarious and triggering all at once. As is the best comedy. 

The Heterosexuals is at its uproarious best when it actually discusses the homosexuals. Walker has his finger on the funnybone pulse of what makes being gay glorious and ridiculous. The one-liners and references fly thick and fast, topped off with winks and gestures of "can you believe it?" And one is forced to admit that as a community, a culture, a demographic, we do have foibles and stereotypes to accentuate the fabulousness. And that is Walker and The Heterosexuals, fabulous.